I read something the other day about how someone else dealt with anger and it was that they waited for as long as they needed before taking the person aside and telling them off... not whilst the anger might fuel pettiness but when the anger had dissipated and they knew the actions and could state them fairly.
Though an incident I was part of a while back didn't make me angry it confused me enough that I'm now using, in a slightly different vein, the same approach to state what I think happened. And while it is about one particular person I want to try and state things more universally and have no interest in being able to do a one on one with this person. It's not that I'm scared or unable to approach this person but I'm just not bothered anymore except I think they might somehow appreciate my view of the situation that occurred and I've chosen, for better or worse, to do such in a way that suits me.
It was about work we'd agreed that I'd undertake and it was stuff I understand. I understand it because even while I don't know all the proper time honoured procedures I am of a bent that I appreciate the design and engineering practicalities of most things and can usually work out what was and is that needs to be achieved. In this particular situation the hardware involved is of a type where all one needs to do is go buy the stuff thats worn out and replace it without adding stress so the parts can do their job with the minimum of interference.
But upon pulling apart the articles it was obvious to me a different type of cowboy had been there before me and that this particular cowboy had been good at what he did but it wasn't a way of working that I'm either proficient at or fond of doing unless it's an absolutely last resort. This particular cowboy was a silicone cowboy and silicone is a very useful material if used in places where replacement isn't an issue during normal wear and tear but silicone cowboys are experts in using it instead of old parts in need of replacement and a direct result of this is that taking something apart that has been done in this way is usually a minefield of interconnected abuse that needs entirely new parts from beginning to end or hours spent cleaning off the old silicone and doing the whole thing again with even more silicone. It can be done but by this time the replacement parts are cheaper than all the cleaning required so it's entirely impractical.
At this stage I am trying to let the person I'm working for then to know this but they became irrational because they were unable to understand the practicalities of the work involved and it wasn't long before I was being mistrusted and almost attacked for being incompetent and about to cause huge problems that would result in certified tradesman charging huge amounts of money to rectify. So then I'm sitting there still trying to explain what for me is still a totally rational set of problems which can be easily solved but the irrationality gets even bigger and more awesome that I realise this has become a metaphor for something else... something no amount of rationality will ever solve.
But what I do know is that I can go out and find the part I need as it's inorganic time and these parts are available in good condition and in abundance so I try this as a way to leave what is becoming a totally untenable position on my part.
And I'm driving around and nothing is available... and they're always there! This then leads me to believe that theres more going on and metaphor is indeed doing it's merry dance but I still have a problem to solve and have to figure something out so I go to a suppliers and look at the prices of brand new stuff, the whole thing from start to finish, as we need one at home ourselves for complete replacement and given this person I'm working for is looking in that direction anyways it's seems a good idea to go back and suggest this. I will buy a new bit, put it in for as long as it's needed then take it out when you've chosen the one you want.
So I go back and it's not good enough. Still totally irrational and unable to grasp the actual reality of the situation so I basically do what I can and get out as quickly as I can.
And I need to get home and let it all go as it's doing my head in. This person who I thought was one thing turns out to be something completely different as the work I'd done took them to edge I hadn't seen before. I had seen traces of it and just thought it was silliness without a foundation as such but blow me over it's a complete and utter foundation entire and solid as a rock.
But that's not what this is about. That's their business and my business is figuring out why I so often get caught up in these positions where the world is falling apart for others but for me it's nothing more than a few simple problems that can easily be solved by a mixture of time, money and careful problem solving. Just going out to put out the rubbish it came to me and it's that I'm very used, within my own work, being able to take myself to positions of utter irrationality, attempt the previously un-attempted, and know within myself that I'll be able to come up with something at least able, and usually more able, to solve the initial problem. Sometimes I've failed miserably, and learnt so much taking apart what I was trying to do, but usually I come out on top... wipe my brow and soak up up all the blood from all the cuts and bruises, and sit back and feel wonder at how it all came together.
But what I haven't mentioned yet is a huge amount of faith that I have to have in my inner voice that urges me to take all these risks. Over the years the risks have gotten bigger and bigger but with that my faith has grown and the ride has been glorious. And I think that's what people subconsciously want of me, for themselves, when they commission me to do work for them. They want the glorious outcome but are often as unaware of the price as I am... but I'm used to the price and I'm more than happy to pay it, digging deep into faith and trusting myself and my instincts that what I hope is in my heart will find a way through. The unawareness then is different. My un-awareness is conscious, it's a choice that I know the price but don't need to think that I'm unable to pay... whereas in others the unawareness is often unconscious, and even sub conscious, and when the time to pay arises it brings up a whole bunch of other stuff... opps.
Is it my fault then when the shit hits the fan? Well yes it is, I am responsible for my choice to be there, and back to the story I go, and so the next morning, though my legs were trembling and I felt sick to the stomach, I was urged by that quiet voice to go back into the fray and do the best I could to make things at the very least as good as I found them. So I did go back and I did find the part on the side of the road before I got there. I walked in and did the best I could and even received an apology of sorts but for some reason it didn't ring true and again that's not my business. My business was to make fast what needed to be made fast (as in working) then inquire, given the change in circumstances, how much further into the work I might be accepted to participate.
Hardly any was the answer. The whole job was gone but I was asked if one particular slightly problematic set of doings might suit me... and it didn't so I left and haven't been back since. I was hoping this person might come and see me but all I got was an offer to visit them to talk things over and up until now I haven't felt comfortable that I couldn't bring myself totally faithfully to the problems that were raised. I can within myself for my own problems because not long after I called into someones elses life to refit their domicile. That one went to the cleaners too and I've washed my hands of it... I'm getting good at that.
And what have I learned? Good question. I still don't know exactly and I may never know at least not the full implications but what I can do is try to be more forthright, at the beginning if people want me to do something for them, of the way that I work and what it might possibly entail... huge risks and ultimate failure and if you think it might end in Glory then be well prepared to pay a price that makes you uncomfortable. That may or may not be true but being that kind of honest might make them think twice about what they want from me.
In the end I really do want people to have what they want and I do hope it'll be what they needed from that want... 'Cause between want and need always seem to be where the issues come from and my problem is that I'm often quite thrilled at the problematic nature of the difference between want and need so I'll go marching in regardless of the obvious difference between the two. Even when I realise what someone needs and see that their want's cannot give them that and I try to open them up to what they actually need. And how arrogant that is of me? To even think I know what others need... Hey Mister, I just do what I'm told.
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